Recklessly Selfish

I’ve been hiding away from the world with all the best of intentions.

I’ll be back when I’m better.

That’s what I kept telling myself, every day, when I woke up every morning.  I’d make the most logical excuses, settling and compromising myself until that still small voice was securely ignored and buried.  It took a hang over to slap me back into reality.

What was I doing?  Who did I really think I was fooling?

I’ve heard all the sermons, read all the articles, attended all the workshops, and I still didn’t get it.

God already knows me.  He has loved me from the start, and He will never stop loving me.  He loved me the moment I was born, long before I ever made my first mistake.  He already knows all the mistakes I will ever make, and yet He still loves me.

I can’t just sit back and expect some miracle to come and pick up my withering soul and breathe life into my daily routines.  It takes a simple choice: do I want to live or do I want to exist?

I’ve come to the conclusion that the best way to breathe life back into myself is by going to the source: the living Word.

So, to myself, I ask for forgiveness.  I ask that I’ll find it within God’s strength to let go of my regret and my depression; that I finally move forward with the life that you have blessed me with and that I will utilize it for your glory, and not my own.  It’s past time that I realize I am not in control and that through my own means and strength, I will not succeed in anything.  Apart from you I am nothing.


Psalm 36:9


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